Your name, even Your memory, is the desire of our souls.
At night my soul longs for You,
Indeed, my spirit within me seeks You diligently... Isaiah 26:8-9
Everything in my life is broken. All is lost, in words of William Butler Yeats:
"Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold...the best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity."
I have learned that my life is hardly what I wish it was, and this will to some extent, always be true. I am incapable of fixing myself or being entirely fixed this side of heaven. The worst part is I am constantly pretending that this is not so. I create walls and barriers that disable the infiltration of others into my life. Like a fortress that fiercely denies access of those who pass by should they come with blessings not burdens. I will gladly clothe, care for, and love the traveler who comes by looking for rest. He shall find it, but should he wish to bestow on my fortress some sort of 'traveling mercy' and provide comfort and rest to myself, the drawbridge shall scarcely be opened. Come thirsty to my doors or do not come at all.
I am praying that God will break me of this and am by his strength doing significant efforts to burn down the Castle walls. God is gracious to give us programs of recovery and people who help recover. My past is littered with pain and betrayal. These wounds have may my heart ache and yearn for healing (a healing that one day I will receive in full), but it is also these wounds that make me afraid of abandonment, afraid of intimacy, afraid of being let down, afraid to believe that I can trust another. I have a slew of carnage behind me in past relationships that have had to suffer because of it. Romance doesn't survive in Camelot. If the King of a Castle shows the brilliance of his inherited lands but not the hideous trail of tears he also inherited; he will never acquire a true Queen or any trusted allies. He will be pretending and protecting, but this preserving will not preserve him or his lot it will destroy them both
The verse above is not only how I understand the aching in my soul, but where I find the remedy to these cravings. God is the desire of all of my heart, and the thing I pant for. Thus because he is this I am free to express openly that often I mistake or attempt to fill these desires with other things (success, security, sexual longings, supremacy, strength, status etc...). But these never succeed, they only leave myself and all who drink from them ever more thirsty. All that I am, all that I yearn for, every echo of loneliness and sorrow deeply imbedded within me is for the presence of God. A presence that was removed at the fall in that sacred Garden. He is and always has been the fullness of all I desire, the fullness of every desire. Things have fallen apart and the centre cannot hold. All of creation has been subjected to futility. And the scriptures tell us that this desire when it is allured to the lie that something else will satisfied it gives birth to all of our sins (James 1). This is a common occurrence, and so none of us are quite what we were meant to be. All of us, whether we have numbed ourselves to the monotony of life, with some vice (or virtue become vice) or simply ignored it so long it seems to be 'just the way things are', are really seldom satisfied with the cold reflection we see in life's stained mirror should we be brave enough to look upon it. There is something inside of us that yearns for more. Our souls remember, they cry out in a vague memory that something has gone awry. We miss our maker, he is the desire of our souls, and we thirst for living water whether we choose to drink from its fountain or not.
Help us Lord, your Name, even your Memory is the desire of our souls. Give us strength to Wait upon you...
I am Yours and You are mine.